Prelude to a Kiss
I may not be a doctor, but I can spot a good epidemic when I see one. No, I'm not talking swine flu. Or Mad Cow. I'm talking about a bug that's more contagious, more debilitating. A bug that seems to be tearing through scores of Big Law associates faster than you can say "stealth layoffs." As much as I've tried to find one, there's just no immunization you can get to ward this one off-and it looks like my fellow Big Law drones haven't found one, either. The plague in question? Young female associates getting themselves embroiled in ridiculous sexual situations with vile, insane partners. And as far I can tell, a cure is still a long way off.
If you've spent any time clicking through the annals of humiliation catalogued on this site, you've probably noticed that I'm no stranger to this particular epidemic. The latest episode, though, focuses on my friend, Kirsten, a Big Law mid-level employment litigator trapped in the body of a hot stripper. You may remember Kirsten from her recent and unfortunate dip into married territory-as a visitor, not a local, alas. After that inevitably disastrous affair wrapped itself up, Kirsten did what any heart-bruised, if not quite heart-broken, Big Law associate would do: She planted herself at the office 24-7 and figured, hey, if I can't get laid, I might as well get hours.
And she did. As luck would have it, she also got the attention of a new lateral employment partner to her firm, Martin. Now, let's paint a quick picture here: When I say Kirsten is hot, I don't mean lawyer-hot; I mean fantasy-league, blonde bombshell, silicone-enhanced hot-hot. Martin, on the other hand, could pass for Ben Stiller's pudgy older cousin-on a good day. Still, when he began stopping by Kirsten's office every night to chat, some combo of charm, partnership units and daddy issues sparked a crush in her. More than anything, though, after dating a string of unemployed aspiring man-whores, she cherished the attention. And when she found out that Martin had recently been handed divorce papers by his starter wife, she was smitten.
After a couple of weeks, the office pop-ins turned into weekly after-work cocktails. This was more than just flirtation, she told me; this was a real connection. They would have long, soulful talks about everything from firm politics to past relationships to the devastation of rejection. The only problem, though, she said, was that Martin was a supervising partner in her small department, and she felt he was holding back on making a move because he was, well, her boss...and an employment litigator. But when he asked if she wanted to accompany him to a black-tie fundraising event that the firm was co-sponsoring, she knew that they'd reached a turning point. This was his way of testing the waters, of stepping out with her in a formal, open setting. This was big.
